Going into last weekend I felt pretty confident that it would be a good one. I survived the weekend before when Trey was out of town. A normal weekend would be easy.
I should know by now that is not how anxiety works.
I let my guard down. Even if I didn’t anxiety will find a way. For some reason weekends are worse for me. As soon as I opened my eyes on Saturday I knew I was in for it. My body reacted to anxiety before my mind could catch up and find a hundred “reasons” for it, all ending up fatal of course. I went downstairs to greet my little family and to have breakfast. Still not okay, my senses were in overdrive. Everything was too loud, bright, smelly (dogs), and scratchy.
So I went back to bed, played a game on my phone and tried to occupy my mind with something else. Essentially I tried to wait out the storm that was brewing in my brain. M came up to check on me a lot, which causes guilt. I dozed off a few times, I am never exactly sure why I am able to do that when I am in that kind of state. Trey came up to check on me and said he was going to run some errands, I begged him to take M. He wasn’t exactly thrilled. Then again he never exactly understands.
I stayed in bed thinking. Thinking about why this happens to me, what would happen if there was something I needed to do, could I pull it together if I really needed to.
I still do not have any answers. Trey and M came home and M napped with me. When I woke up I felt slightly better but still on the edge of the spiral of obsessive thoughts. I sat on the patio in the sun that was too bright, watched Trey mow the lawn for the first time of the season (which was too loud), and watched M play with her stuffed animals on the patio table. It felt good to get out of my safe nest in the bedroom but not for long.
Finally, I called my mom on FaceTime. She was making dinner and propped me up on the counter and chatted with me in a way that always helps. By the time we got off the phone I was able to do a mediation and feel more like myself. Progress.
Part of my OCD involves superstitions, I have obsessive thoughts but not really any true compulsions. The closest I get to compulsions are my superstitions which I can make up at any given time. One of them is fear that my mom won’t be able to help me, so sometimes I put off making contact for as long as possible. It makes me feel better to know I have that option waiting for me.
I try to explain to Trey that “these kinds of days” are draining. Emotionally and physically draining to feel like you are dying for a day. I am on medication that has helped a lot, but life is still a landmine for me. I have everyday struggles that I have learned to navigate. I have triggers that aren’t easily explained and my loved ones have learned to dance around.
Then there are days like Saturday where I wake-up out of sorts and missing my armor. Vulnerable to every sense. Every sense connected to my fears. Fears controlling my body and mind. I ache for all of us. Everyone whose enemy lives within us.
Undeniably Imperfect 